Handling Huge Change While Standing Still

Left behind as one bird flies away

Sketch by author: Home

Something different this week. 

An experience of change without travel, at least for me.

Flying the nest

My son has left home to study in Japan.

I’m feeling fine.  No terrible wrench.  No tears.  So far.   

We still have a daughter at home for a couple of years, so it’s not an empty nest yet. 

But it’s still a huge change.

Or, I could be in denial, the first stage of the change curve.

Only time will tell.  

However, I do know that applying Change Management methodologies has helped me navigate this life change journey, up to now.

The Change Curve

The Change Curve was originally developed by Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to help describe and deal with grief.  It can also apply to any change. 

With any significant change we can expect to go through all these stages, skip a few, regress or repeat them:

Anger, bargaining, depression, exploration, decision, integration/acceptance.

It is possible that I have already reached acceptance if you count the previous 18 years, especially the last two, as part of the change process. 

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Our experience of the curve:

Resistance phase: Anger, bargaining and depression.

A certain amount of anger, bargaining and mild depression are part of parenting and growing up.  They featured in discussions we had about school and further education in our house.

There were always lots of options on the table around different schools and curriculums.  A unique learning style not well suited to the education system.

Getting up and going into school became progressively harder in the last couple of years. 

The covid lockdown contributed to the depression phase. It created a slump, encouraging apathy and social isolation, and sucking away energy. 

For a while, our son had no clear direction or motivation.  I don’t think he was the only one.

The resistance phase was tough.

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Acceptance phase: Exploration, decision, integration.

But then we entered a more hopeful and dynamic period. Once we could travel again, we went on a family holiday to Tokyo, originally planned for March 2020. 

That solidified a determination to study in Japan, which had previously been an uniformed idea. 

Then came focused research and identification of opportunities and newfound enthusiasm.  Suddenly my son could see an exciting future laid out ahead. 

Photo by author: Tokyo by night.

The application process was not easy; there were panel interviews and the acceptance criteria were rigorous.  It was high risk.   

Focused revision and excellent results became meaningful personal goals instead of external expectations.  My son took the lead, and we supported him. 

We invested in it fully.  We had to.  He had no plan B. Nothing else fired his imagination like studying in Japan. 

This was all part of the acceptance phase.

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Kotter's 8 step change model:

Change is always better and easier to deal with when you choose it.  And when you are involved in planning and delivering it.  

I can also relate this whole experience to John Kotter’s model of change. I first learned about this as a Change management consultant in Ernst & Young in the 1990s. 

It’s an oldie but a goodie, focusing on the key points that matter in any change.

1. Create a sense of urgency

   Once he got an offer following his interview and predicted grades, it was game on (and no plan B).

2. Form a powerful coalition

   We worked as a team, helping with research,  applications and preparations. And my husband went to Tokyo to help him settle in.

3. Create a vision for change

   We planted a seed early, talking about Japan, eating the food, and enjoying popular culture.  He learned karate and the language and made Japanese friends.  Then our family trip to Tokyo brought the vision to life.

4. Communicate the vision

   My son made a compelling case for why we wanted to study in Japan. It convinced him, us and the university. Hopefully it will continue drive him to make the most of opportunities and overcome challenges.

5. Remove obstacles

   We all worked hard to research options, find alternatives, connect to people who could help and find solutions. 

The next steps relate to where we go from here:

6. Create short-term wins

   He needs to make friends, pick courses and join clubs to make all the effort enjoyable as well as beneficial. We need to use the extra time and space created by his absence to do something valuable.

7. Build on the change

   I hope he throws himself into new experiences to get the most out of them.  We need to take advantage of new opportunities for change at home and do the same.

8. Anchor the changes in culture

   We all need to exploit chances to grow and create an exciting new normal.

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Keeping it real

Of course, models are only useful as starting points. 

It’s all in the implementation. 

Every step depends on specific individuals, personalities, motivations, priorities and circumstances.

Change Management focuses on dealing with people and emotions. Nothing is less predictable.

So, who knows what will happen next? 

But I’m ready (at leat, as any human or mother can be).

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Over to you

How about you?  

Are you tackling changes at home or work where these approaches could help?  

How many are you conscious of using now and could you apply more?

• Consider where you are now on the change curve

  • show yourself and others compassion

  • find ways to move forward

• Review the 8 steps

  • what are you missing?

Drop me a comment or question here or in the chat:

Life is a journey full of changes and everyone’s map looks different.